Serendipidous purpose

What am I doing here... I was, for some reason, reluctant to say initially, but this adventure in writing was sparked by a final project I did for my class in game design. We defined the terms of reality, play, experience and had to also define ourselves. These explorations of higher thought twisted my mind and led to my current journey of self-discovery. Through my book, I was able to comprehend through a visual form the changes that had occurred in my perspective of life and of self during the past three months.

It was a design class. It was not intended to spark introspection. Or was it. Was that my professor's intent all along? Was "game design" the chosen context for us to step out of the boundaries and learn how to actually think on our own? Whether intended or not, I am in uncharted territory. It's so good to be here. I feel like for the first time I am digging into my own thoughts and finally feel free to express them. During a class discussion–which when discussing theory amongst opinionated designers, tended to get pretty intense–my friend expressed his perspective that, "You don't always have to be right, but you should always have an opinion." I found so much freedom in this! So true, we are never going to always be right, rarely are we going to be, but within the right context, we should always have confidence enough to share our thoughts. To express yourself fearlessly...what a beautiful concept.

With this in mind as my class concluded in December, I did not want my journey to end, and therefore decided to create a living "book" to record my inquiries on this new adventure. I have so many questions and am going to be exploring the development of our individual realities as I further discover my own.

THEN THE SERENDIPIDOUS HAPPENED.

Design class #1 of my two-part capstone course required us to create a blog to record our thoughts and progress throughout the quarter. I was beside myself. Crazy over-the-top excited, about the fact that my homework will be requiring me to think, as an individual, about what I am curious about. I am required to think! To delve into my thoughts and inquiries through written word. Could this be? Everyday I am thankful for deign studies and am thankful that God has led me to this place. My interests and ideas are not disconnected like I had thought, I think I am actually going to be okay. So right here, this exact place is where they will collide.

Here is a sincere welcome to join me on this journey!

Questions? Direction.

Everyday. Every single day. More than once a day even, I want to write my thoughts down and share with the world. I so long to set the thoughts inside my mind free, but I don't because there is not enough time in each day. When ever I begin to write, I can keep going; I feel completely detached from all sense of time, which is a rare experience for me!

I am thinking about so much right now, I am sometimes fearful that my mind will explode–not that I actually expect it to erupt, but do you ever have times when you feel your mind racing ahead, completely unbound in almost a zillion different directions at speed that you can't maintain and you seem to be constantly left behind with every turn it takes? Well, this is what I'm feeling now. I think about life so much, not in a way that prevents me from living, or that has me quietly observing and introspecting, but I guess it is just that I feel completely aware. I catch myself thinking about the moments when I am in them. I am enjoying, savoring, and experiencing life in a way I have never lived before. It has me wondering what I ever thought about before! I know I was stressed, so I was probably just self-consumed with my stress-thoughts.

The only way I can explain this, is to compare my thoughts and my life to a renaissance. I am experiencing a personal renaissance, a renaissance of self. This analogy may be attributed to the classes I have been studying this week with History of the Italian Renaissance and the Art History of Italian Fashion, Nation and Culture. Yeah, they might have had some influence...

Truly, though. I feel as though I am changing. The crazy thing is, nothing is really different. These feelings are attributed to a change in my perspective as my outlook on life is expanding and shifting–is this common? Is this what happens to people as they are about to graduate and the realities of life begin to set in? I can't say. All I know is that I want to share this experience. I want to share my new perspective with others... how can I?

All these thoughts connect to the ideas I have been having for my capstone project for Design Studies. A discovered sense of self, this is what I want to share. As I feel myself beginning to develop strength, I realize that this is what I want to communicate, to teach and to share. I want to inspire others, specifically young women to explore the pathways that will lead them on the journey to discovering their individual sense of self. Diluted identity and a disconnection from one's self has immeasurable impact.

It has been recognized that a viable solution to AIDS is education amongst women in Africa. Therefore, I am fascinated with the idea that similarly, a solution to eating disorders is also education. If we can educate young girls and women about beauty and redefine this concept within society, I believe that we can change perspectives and enable women to learn to love who they are. A redefined definition of what it is to be beautiful will result in confident individuals able to pursue self discovery–and a vivacity for life amongst our population will impact society in a sincerely positive way.

This is what I aim to do. Now I am embarking upon my journey to explore this idea of what it means to be "beautiful". I this process began so many years ago, so I am stoked to see where my inquisitions and observations will lead...

Tutu's bring freedom

Yesterday I wore a pink tulle skirt to class. With cowboy boots, and grey fishnet tights. I thought it was a fun idea–which it was–but in addition to this, I wore it as a kind of experimentation for myself. At the moment of it's purchase, I did not intend on using this skirt in a study for myself or my capstone, but some things are unpredictable.

I initially bought this skirt based upon two reasons:

1.) I have always wanted to be a ballerina

2.) I want to overcome my fear of self-expression

Recognizing this, I knew that it would be a challenge for me to wear this as part of an outfit in public, and was therefore hesitant to purchase it as an addition to my wardrobe. I then thought to myself, "Well WHY"? Why did I think that I should be afraid to wear it? I liked it. It made me happy. When I had it on, I felt fun and also beautiful. Isn't this what clothes should do for the wearer in addition to serving the original purpose of clothing one's body? I deliberated over this purchase for over an hour. More than 60 minutes of my life were spent in contemplation, struggling to take a stand for myself against my personal criticism and venture onto the mysterious path of self-expression. I was battling no one's judgement but my own. This choice, to others quite possibly, would not have been a large decision or a cause of stress, but I was overwhelmed. Why did this decision feel like a defining choice in my life?

I felt as though it was a moment of truth. Would I cave to perceived judgments of society that I expected to experience if I chose to publicly wear this tutu, or would I boldly embrace this construction of fabric and communicate to the world a layer of who I am?

But what exactly did I feel it would communicate for me? It was my freedom. Freedom from self, freedom from judgement, and a step towards accepting who I am. Why do I then dress as I do? I realized that I often wear what I feel to be "responsible". Nothing flashy, nothing bold, lots of neutrals. I have stated before that I was in fear of losing myself as I almost forgot how to play, and recognized, as I was contemplating my tutu purchase, that I communicate this separation from self and resistance of fun in what I wear, in how I "design" myself each day.

Okay. So I understand that we are not defined by our clothes, but I realized, after an hour had passed, that I have a problem in the fact that I felt confined by what I thought other people might think of me, how THEY might define me, if I wore something I liked. I would be vulnerable in my apparent playfulness, and people might judge me. This, terrified me. Was this the heart of my newly realized fears? This fear was so strong and so real to me, that it was affecting the decisions I made for my life. If I was having such trouble over a skirt, where would it end? When would I free myself from my perceived ideas of others, and stop making decisions based upon what I thought others were thinking and make a choice for myself? Do others think about this? Do all people think about what others are thinking, and make choices based upon their perceptions? All I know is I did, I did for a very long time.

But then, I bought a pink tutu...

Capstone providence

"Oh my goodness. I realize that I am okay. I am different than what I had thought I needed to be successful in this program, but there is a place for me here. I have finally found it!" Scribbled amongst my notes from class yesterday was a moment of profound realization that I am exactly where I need to be–I belong exactly where I am.

During our discussion of capstone projects, we approached, once again, the question of what it means to be a Design Studies major. My professor explained this time where we might fit within this world. What is Design Studies... brilliant question. It seems to be a metamorphic assemblage of art, creativity, research, observation, and now anthropologic observation, which has me completely ecstatic! Could this be it? Is this very thing the hidden element that swept me into the world of design? It seems right. I feel like I have found where I belong after years spent wondering why I was here, never feeling adequate for what I was trying to accomplish with design. I feel like I have unearthed the reason for my being here. It is providence, and it is beyond beautiful.

I am seriously inquiring if what I should pursue is ethnography. With all that was discussed in class, I believe that it is quite possible. Not a designer, but a career as creative thinker is my calling...

So the better question becomes, what is a Design Studies major? What do we do–what and who exactly are we? This question took residence in my mind shortly after I joined this secret society of designers. Unusual and undefinable–are we cutting-edge, or just crazy?

We study human interaction. We ask questions. We identify problems. We inquire to discover. We are researchers and observers. We are individuals who see and explore limitless possibilities–and this is where I fit.

Bellissima

Life can be inexplicably amazing. Today was a wonderful day to start, but this afternoon I went to get my textbooks for the quarter and things fell into place before me. Chance, luck, serendipity. I know it is a God thing. The thoughts I have been thinking and my applying to the internship in Rome now, the timing of everything is beyond perfect. The title of my book aligns exactly with what I had been planning to pursue for my capstone–Bellissima: Feminine Beauty and the Idea of Italy. If this is a sign of things to come, I can't begin to contain my excitement! This is a sign. It simply has to be. I believe in signs, I do. Although I don't know what it says exactly, but this serendipidous event is soothing to my soul. I feel so hopeful for life and all that is to come.

Heart thoughts

To live is to love, and to love you need to allow your heart to live. I realize I was in danger of losing myself... I almost forgot how to play! It is necessary to be responsible, but within responsibility the soul needs to have fun. People, all people everywhere need to play–so here is to having fun and the sincere childlike enjoyment of life...

In light of Christmas & the New Year

"We too set out on a journey. And like wise men, we return by a different path–not our own pathway, but one revealed by God. Follow the star, your God-given desires. Trust in God like a vulnerable child. And give the gift of your heart to God and to the world." Rev. Patrick J. Howell

This was a surprising find in The Seattle Times this morning as I ate breakfast, now back in Seattle–my other hometown. I don't usually read the paper, but I thought it would be good for me this morning as I am trying to gain a deeper awareness of the world–part of my New Year's goal and list of resolutions. Shocked to find something spiritual and uplifting in the paper of a city that proudly claims the reputation of being liberal. This just proves that we should never be ashamed for what we believe in effect resisting to judge others and accept that people and therefore this life will always surprise us.