A decade, won

It has been quite some time since I've been here. One month shy of a decade. Time, it's a strange thing. Coming back here it is as if time itself has stood still and yet, it is as though I have lived ten lifetimes in-between.

There has been love, loss, a corporate job, a move to Hawaii, a humble move home, marriage, first home, first dog, and just about as many mistakes and blessings as you can expect from ten years of life in one's twenties.

So, why am I here? Beautiful question. This was the blog I started—when blogging first began, before social media!—during my senior year in college at the University of Washington in my capstone class for Design. Here we were to record our research and provide a window into our process for our professor and our colleagues; our inquiries, struggles, and victories—all right here.

But why am I here, now? Well, my passion for this topic, the topic of beauty and identity, has not waned, not one bit; it has only deepened, and I can't shake the call on my heart to pursue it. I am still am not sure what form it will take, or what I will do with it—I wrestled with this in college and here we are still ten wild years later, still unsure. But, I am sure of one thing, that I absolutely can't put it down.

I see now that it is far too important, far too relevant, and that God did too big a work in my life for me to shelter it alone. My purpose aches to pursue this. I often find myself frustrated thinking about the "lost time" but what happened during that time was rather a fortifying of my heart, mind, and soul upon a brand new foundation that had to be rebuilt from the ground up.

Ten years ago was the start of my journey out of anorexia. On my way out, I took the door that led to bulimia. From there I broke out only to land in a hallway of self-hatred. In the midst of that corridor is where I finally fought like hell to find my way to self-worth. This fight was instigated only by looking into the face of potential motherhood, and realizing that in order to be the mother I hope to be, I have to be the woman God made me to be. Looking into the eyes of motherhood, I realized I had not gotten there. Despite the decade I spent wrestling with identity and all the newfound courage I claimed to have, the mental tangles went all the way down to the base of my foundation—we were being broken down to be rebuilt, and we weren't done yet.

This is not a past-tense process, this is present-day tussle right here, and rather than shelter it, I wanted to bring it to light. I feel required to put it to words because it is not my story alone, it is but one more beautiful story of God's redemption in the making. You are welcome here, and I am glad, whoever you are, that you're joining me in the process.